« The Dream Zone

I had an Affair with the Man Who Victimized Me

by Lauri Loewenberg

Dear Lauri,
I had a dream that I had an affair with the person who molested me when I was 16.  I remember crying and telling him I am sorry for all that has happened to him ( him going to jail). He accepted my apology as if it wasn’t a big deal. I've forgiven him for what he has done but I am not sorry I put him in jail so I don’t get it.   – Stacy 25, Wausau, WI

Lauri: This may be more about forgiving yourself. Women who have been victimized tend to hate themselves afterwards, for various reasons: for letting themselves get in the situation, for not fighting harder, for not speaking up sooner, for all the would haves and should haves, etc. The affair is a good sign of acceptance and the forgiveness may really be towards yourself.  sex in a dream is not about a physical union you want but rather a psychological union you need. I think your dream shows that you have united, into yourself, forgiveness and acceptance. This could be a life changing dream for you. In addition, his attitude in the dream that it wasn't a big deal, that is more likely you coming to that attitude that this isn't a big deal anymore in the present. You should not allow it to continue to affect any aspect of your life whatsoever. It's over, justice was served. I don’t know who said this but I like it a lot: Don't put a question mark where God has put a period.

Stacy Replies: That makes total sense now! For the longest time (9 years) I've been struggling with self-hating. I've been in the depths of depression because of it. More recently I have started to try and let stuff go from my past. Now, seeing your interpretation, I'm starting to actually forgive myself for something I couldn't help. How wonderful! It’s amazing how everything makes much more sense.  I can stop obsessing over feeling guilty about the dream.  Instead I can celebrate that the chapter in my life is now closed. Thank you!!!

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